


Sketch: Conversions

by Culumacilinte



Category: A Bit of Fry and Laurie
Genre: M/M, Sketches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-05-13
Updated: 2007-05-13
Packaged: 2017-10-15 11:59:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/160617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Culumacilinte/pseuds/Culumacilinte
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An original sketch in the mode of A Bit of Fry and Laurie.  Hugh wants something converted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sketch: Conversions

**VOX POP  
**

 _Cut to STEPHEN standing outside on a city street; he is a respectable-looking, middle-aged man dressed in tweed and holding a pipe, very much the Oxford don sort._

 **** ** ******MAN ON THE STREET: Oh yes, I’m all for reinstituting the death penalty.  It’s good for my anger, you see, and rather more socially acceptable than, say, going out and slaughtering masses of people with a sharp instrument.  Or so I’ve been told, at least.

 _Audience laughter_

 **SKETCH: CONVERSIONS  
**

 _The scene opens: it is the office of a garage or car shop of some sort, with a linoleum floor and posters on the walls advertising various cars and car products.  STEPHEN (MR. PROFESSIONALESCORT) is sitting behind a desk labelled with a large chequered sign reading ‘CONVERSIONS’ in bold letters.  A bell rings as HUGH (MAN) enters through a door to the left as your average man off the street with jeans, a t-shirt, and a nicely buttoned shirt over that- he approaches the desk_

 _ ****_HUGH:Um, hello?

STEPHEN: _(looking up, smiling)_ Ah!  Hello, my good sir.  How may I be of service?

HUGH: Yes, yes you can.  Most kind of you.

 _STEPHEN looks curiously at him- he did not answer the question asked- and there is a pause, wherein they both look expectantly at the other.  STEPHEN prompts HUGH_

STEPHEN: Yes?

HUGH: _(starting, with an exaggerated shock)_ Oh!  Yes, yes- sorry.  Must have, ah, dozed off there for a moment, eh?

STEPHEN: _(blinks and purses lips slightly)_ Quite.  So- how may I be of service?

HUGH: This is conversions, is it not?

 _STEPHEN gestures expansively at the sign hanging on the front of his desk by way of answer._

HUGH: Right.  I’d like something converted, please.

STEPHEN: _(clearly somewhat puzzled by this strange man)_ And what precisely would you like converted, sir?

HUGH: My sexuality.

STEPHEN: _(with an incredulous stare- he is sure he’s heard wrong)_ I beg your pardon?

HUGH: _(nodding)_ My sexuality.  I’d like to become a homosexual, please.

STEPHEN: _(trying very hard not to laugh)_ Um, sir, this is a garage.  We specialise in _car_ conversions- engines and bodywork and such things, you know.

HUGH:  But it says ‘conversions’ right there!

 _He points indignantly at the sign and STEPHEN raises one eyebrow delicately, biting at his lip._

STEPHEN: Yes sir, but _car_ conversions.

HUGH: Well, you know, mechanics. _(he chuckles lightly)_ If you can convert a car from one thing to another, surely it shouldn’t be too much of a wrench to change a good old straight-and-narrow heterosexual into a flaming queer.  Turn of the screw and all that, eh?

 _STEPHEN gives him a sceptical look which quickly becomes measured, and finally he leans forward in his chair, looking around himself  as though he is about to say something he shouldn’t._

STEPHEN: I’m afraid I could not do so in any _professional_ capacity, sir, but… I may be able to help.

HUGH: _(bouncing slightly on the balls of his feet)_ Oh, jolly good of you, old thing! _(pause)_ Er, how exactly…

STEPHEN: Of course, my apologies.  If you would, ah, lean closer, like so-

 _He demonstrates, gesturing at the space between HUGH and himself, and HUGH nods and steps forward, leaning towards STEPHEN as instructed._

HUGH: Like this?

STEPHEN: Just like that, yes.  Now--

 _He leans forward and kisses HUGH.  His hands remain on the desk; it is merely a quick touch of lips upon lips.  HUGH’s eyes remain open, and when STEPHEN leans back into his char, Hugh screws up his face into an attitude of deep thought._

HUGH: Hmm.  ‘Fraid that didn’t quite do it for me, Mr… _(he looks for a nameplate on the desk, and finding one, reads the name aloud slowly)_ Professionalescort.  Is that your name, then?

STEPHEN: It is indeed, though some call me ‘Mr. Gentlemansvalet’ or ‘Mr. Maleprostitute,’ and many of my friends know me simply as ‘Whore.’

HUGH: Fascinating!  But that didn’t quite cut it- I’m still feeling decidedly straight.

STEPHEN: Pity.  Might I try something else?

HUGH: Oh, by all means.

 _STEPHEN rises smoothly and makes his way around the desk until he is very near to HUGH indeed.  With the near clinical detachment particular to retail workers, he reaches out and caresses the curve of HUGH’s skull, just behind his ear.  HUGH shudders slightly, but shakes his head._

HUGH: Mmmno, not quite yet.

STEPHEN:  Hmm… well, how about this?

 _He now steps directly into HUGH’s personal space and without any hesitation, draws him into an open-mouthed kiss.  HUGH responds enthusiastically, to say the least, and STEPHEN makes a muffled sound of approval.  The kiss continues for several minutes until hands become involved and HUGH is writhing up against STEPHEN._

HUGH: Mmm-mm-m oh!  That was very nice.

STEPHEN: _(with a slight smirk, he appears otherwise unaffected)_ Very kind of you.  Did it help?  Are you, ah, converted?

HUGH: _(pauses, thinking, with an expression like a wine connoisseur swirling a glass beneath his nose)_ I think…. no, not quite.  I’m about halfway there now, I think- a bit bisexual, as it were.  Some cars are trickier than others though, mm?

 _He chuckles, glancing at STEPHEN and inviting him to share the joke.  STEPHEN, however, merely nods, eyebrows raised slightly- clearly, he is not impressed.  Hugh subsides somewhat_

STEPHEN:  Very true.  But if that didn’t help… perhaps this will.

 _He steps forward and reaches down below the view of the camera.  HUGH stiffens, looking shocked for a brief moment before his head tips back on his neck; he lets out an ecstatic ‘oh’ of pleasure.  It is quite obvious that STEPHEN has his hand on HUGH’s crotch.  STEPHEN smirks and we can see his arm move; HUGH moans throatily.  Suddenly, his head snaps up and he performs a little leap of delight.  STEPHEN steps back, looking at him with evident amusement._

HUGH: _(no longer remotely aroused)_ And that’s got it!  Good-o!

STEPHEN:  You’re a homosexual now?

HUGH:  Yep.  You’ve worked a marvel, old fruit.  Thanks awfully.

STEPHEN: _(slightly befuddled)_ Not at all.

HUGH:  Brilliant.

 _He walks off, leaving STEPHEN in the empty shop.  He shakes his head with a smile, and heads back to sit behind his desk.  He shuffles a few papers around and is about to pick up the telephone when the bell suddenly jingles again and HUGH pops his head back in, looking panicked._

HUGH:  It’s wearing off!

STEPHEN:  Is it?

HUGH:  It is!  I’ve gone back to feeling bisexual again, and who knows what’ll happen if I go back to being _(he shudders)_ completely heterosexual- God forbid.

STEPHEN: _(not really alarmed at all)_ Oh my.  Well, sir, perhaps if you could follow me into the back room I can do a more thorough job for you, mm?

HUGH:  Sounds excellent.

STEPHEN: _(with a quirk of the lips)_ Indeed- this way, please.

 _He gestures HUGH toward the back of the shop and Hugh leaves in the direction indicated.  STEPHEN begins to follow him but pauses and suddenly looks directly at the camera.  He winks roguishly._

STEPHEN:  Thanks all, and have a simply super night.

 _End scene and roll credits for_ A Bit of Fry and Laurie.


End file.
